IT'S A BOLLY WORLD

MEHER CASTELINO | May 15, 2012  

I have zeroed in on the best career for my son and daughter which will give them fame and fortune.

Great, it is important to give children a good grounding in life. Will you be encouraging them to take up law, medicine, commerce, fashion designing, computers or the arts?

Don't be silly those professions are out.

Maybe you want them to take up sports like cricket or tennis.

No those are out too.

Then what do you want them to become?

I want them to become Bollywood stars.

Are you crazy! Bollywood is a terrible rat race where dog eats dog and cat kills cat.

Well, which profession isn't? But at least they will be made for life.

But there ruthless competition, not only from young and old aspirants in the country but even foreigners.

I know, but I will train my children into perfect Bollywood specimens.

How are you going to do that? Many acting schools have closed down and the ones abroad are expensive.

I will beg and borrow, but train them in all the disciplines of Bollywood like acting, singing, dancing, emoting, fighting, sports, modelling, riding, publicity, PR, networking and of course different relationships and issuing dramatic statements.

I can understand all of them but where does different relationships come in?

They must know how to form and maintain different types of relationships with actors, directors, producers, music directors, politicians, sports people, foreigners which keep them in the limelight.

But that means you will invest a lot of money.

Of course but the returns are much higher than what any bank, mutual fund or investment advisor can give me.

How is that? They will have to get big banner films then they will be well paid.

Yes, but today even a "one flop film wonder" is making moolah in endorsements, personal appearances, modelling, weddings, seminars, dancing at parties, shows, debates by publications, cutting ribbons, launches, and many more. Didn't you see the rate card of stars for different events? I wish my parents had been so thoughtful about my career. I took up medicine and have been a GP for the past 30 years with no fame or fortune to talk about.

But it's a noble profession.

Come on nobility got one nothing in life. Today the country and its people live, breathe, eat, sleep and drink only Bollywood. Everywhere Bollywood has crept in right from the big screen to TV, endorsements, sports, tourism, social services, causes even the food and water we drink has Bollywood influences. Show me one aspect of our life which is not ruled by Bollywood.

Maybe you are right, it has become a "Bolly World" for us and we can't do a thing about it. These stars rule and dictate our lives and make money in the bargain.

CAUSE AND EFFECT

MEHER CASTELINO | May 01, 2012  

I have got the best way to promote my collections and my name. No more fashion weeks or store launches for me, there is nothing one gains from them.

Then what are you planning?

I will do shows only to promote different Causes, Issues or Campaigns.

How will that help you?

You will be surprised. Firstly, organisers of the Cause will invite me and I will endorse the Cause.

Okay, that is very noble of you, then what?

Then I will get celebs that are dying to see themselves on the ramp to model for free, thus saving on those exorbitant model fees these days.

That's really smart.

Then everybody will rush to buy my collection off the ramp since it was for a Cause.

So you will donate what you earn to the Cause?

No don't be silly. I'll give a small amount to the Cause but my collection will be a sell-out because people will feel emotional about the Cause.

Oh I see.

Haven't you noticed so many designers have suddenly taken up Causes instead of fashion weeks and got celebs to walk for free and in the bargain got loads of publicity on the front pages? Shinam Traholam was connected with the Rehabilitation of Alien Women on Mars Cause which made the Resort 2025 collection a sell-out.

What a superb idea.

Then yesteryear's top star roped in designer Anishas M J to do a draping show for donations for Female Astronauts on Jupiter which has helped the designer to remain in business for decades.

Wow great!

These days a cause which is female-centric is very popular. Tragedies pull at the emotional heart strings of buyers, which help designers to sell their creations. Fashion and women are linked, so feminine Causes are the best. Even designers from abroad come and promote their collections through feminine causes.

Oh yes, I remember Janana Rome made such an impact in the media when prompting Female Adult Causes even though the creativity of the collection was mediocre.

Even Bollywood stars come out in droves to support Causes since it gives their image a major boost after being embroiled in gossip all the time.

Yes, you are right. Today designers are searching for different Causes to promote their collections. Animals, birds, insects, fish, dinosaurs, dragons, extinct species, historic monuments, illnesses, tragedies, natural disasters, environment, air, space, water, the list is endless. There are thousands of Causes one can discover and people are willing to lend their time, name and products to build their brands.

That's right, now it is the Cause that helps fashion collections to generate the positive response, which obviously helps the designers' branding as well as the sales graph.

What happened to all the brilliant marketing and advertising techniques that are taught to MBAs? These innovations have truly moved into unchartered territory today, where Cause and Effect have different meanings!

FUTURE POSITIVE

MEHER CASTELINO | April 14, 2012  

Hi there, you must congratulate me. I am celebrating my success in the fashion business.

Congrats, but what have you done?

I will complete 25 years in the business soon.

25 years already? But you only started designing five years ago!

Yes, but in another 20 years I will complete 25 years so I must start celebrating from now.

You are really too confident of your success. How do you know you will last in the business that long?

It's my positive thinking that I am confident of, which will make me successful.

That's fine but models, actors, singers, musicians, choreographers, directors, designers, producers have very often been "one time wonders" and then disappeared into oblivion and you think you will last for two more decades?

I am very famous already, with organisers around the country and fashion weeks chasing me to show my collections.

That's wonderful.

At times I'm so much in demand that even though I ditch organisers of the events at the eleventh hour they still run after me.

Really why is that?

It's because I'm so famous that the front rows in my shows are filled with celebs that all these event organisers hunger for.

That's really great!

So I'll last for more than two decades. The important thing is to be in the public eye every now and then by making grandiose announcements. Look at designer Shinam Traholam, he has been announcing that he will direct a film for the past ten years and nothing has happened, yet the media runs after him.

Yes, you are so right.

Hotir Laab has been declaring he will write a book on fashion for the past two decades and he has even celebrated the launch of the publication without a single line being written.

Really, that is crazy!

It maybe, but today if you don't talk about your future success then nobody cares for you.

Well I always thought one spoke about one's achievements after they were realised.

That's where you are wrong. These days success must be announced before it is comes to you. Haven't you seen how some celebs keep saying they will accept awards like the "Country's Jewel" trophy so that in the end the authorities feel they are obligated to give it or they'll look foolish?

How the world has changed. In the past people worked to achieve success and got rewarded afterwards for it. Now they announce in advance and get rewarded, by brain washing the people.

Now you are learning; that is why I am celebrating my silver jubilee in the fashion business immediately, with a book which will come out 20 years later. Then I will write a script and produce a film a decade later, and after that launch a film which I will direct 30 years from today.

Wow, your positive thinking really shatters the concept of living life "one day at a time".

TWEET TWEET TWEET

MEHER CASTELINO | April 02, 2012  

I have learnt the most amazing way of enlarging my social circle and gathering a following for myself.

Really what is it you are planning to do? Become a politician?

Oh no that is so passe, besides I don't know much about politics.

Then are you planning to become a Bollywood star?

No never, it is a real rat race and one has to have a godfather or godmother.

Are you planning to become a cricketer?

Totally out of the question! Look at the state of poor Dhoni and Tendulkar? One century eludes them and they have to dodge brickbats.

Then maybe you are planning to become a fashion designer?

Impossible, it is another race of the rags, and I am not good at winning in races.

Maybe you are planning to become a model?

Of course not, do I look like model material? I am short and totally out of shape.

Please tell me how you are planning to get a vast circle of followers?

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, all the time

You sound like a bird are you crazy?

No, I am going to tweet on twitter; it is such a great way to get followers in life. Everybody is tweeting now from the beggar to the biggest tycoon in the world. It is the 'in' thing to do. Don't you see how people have their heads stuck in their cell phones or iPads all day even when they are walking, talking or even when trying to sleep?

What will you tweet about?

Everything from fashion, life, travel, sport, food, houses, roads, cars, nearly every minute of my life will be a tweet.

That is really living your life like an open book.

Yes, at fashion shows I will tweet about the clothes.

But you don't know anything about fashion.

So what, I will tweet about the first and last outfit. In my house I will tweet about what I am doing every minute of the day.

Oh I see.

When I eat I will tweet after every mouthful, watching TV I will tweet about the villain and the hero, while travelling I will tweet about the roads, the trees and the environment, etc. I will have so many complaints and things to say and people will wait for my tweets and follow me night and day.

That is really tough.

I may not be able to sleep at times.

My goodness that is really hard work!

Of course, when you have a following of millions who want to read about you, one has to work hard. I can't let my followers down.

Wonderful, such loyalty is so rare. Even our greatest leaders, spiritual saints and even God rested after he created the world, but you are extraordinary.

I am, after all I have to tweet 24x7.

Hope they don't call you "bird brain" after all this tweeting!

A VIRAL DISEASE

MEHER CASTELINO | March 15, 2012  

I have a viral disease

Oh my goodness how did it happen? Is it contagious? Are you alright?

No, don't be silly it is not affecting me physically. It is virtual and the best thing that could have happened for my business.

What do you mean it is not physical and it is best for your business? A disease is bad when it is affecting you or your business.

Listen when I say viral, I mean that as a designer my creations are now all over the Web and they are moving so fast that I can't keep up with them. In other words my collections have gone viral.

Your creations are on the web, why? You have a lovely boutique on High Street with great business and clients so why are you on the web which is so impersonal.

You don't know the power of the web. Look what happened to Danesh the singer and actor, of Kolavari Di. Had you heard of him till his song was put on YouTube? No, now he is such a big star that Bollywood, Tollywood, Mollywood, Kollywood and even Hollywood are chasing him.

Really, you are right, everyone is singing and swaying to the tunes of Kolavari Di even a seasoned popular singer like Sonu Nigam got his son to warble it on You Tube and it got lakhs of hits. The web is awesome.

Exactly, so now I have a show on YouTube and my creations are seen on the web with a song attached to it and my business has sky rocketed! I don't know how to handle it.

That is wonderful you are a success.

You can say it again, I am so successful but this disease is driving me crazy .I have orders from around the world. I don't know why I ever ran after fashion week organisers begging them to allow me to open the event or give me a Grand Finale slot. I don't even meet fashion editors any more to feature my collections on their pages. Nor do I put ads in the press. Now I am on top of the world and the poor print media is suffering.

Great, it is so good to hear this.

I have become a household name around the globe. My creations get so many hits I have a special department handling them.

Wow, you are really hitting the big time.

Now there is only one problem. I need an antidote for this disease.

What do you mean an antidote for this disease?

I am getting the orders so fast that I wish there was a way I can produce them as fast as I am getting them. So a magical antidote will help me to deliver the orders on time.

Well, every disease has its side effects and you will have to live with this viral attack, if you want to succeed in the fashion business through virtual means.

A PHG DEGREE

MEHER CASTELINO | March 01, 2012  

I have decided to go in for a makeover for my profession.

Really what are you planning? You are an actress?

Yes, but things are not been going well with my movies. They are flopping even though I have learnt the language, how to dance, do comedy, tragedy and romance and even agreed to show a little skin.

That's a lot of work you have put in so what will you do now?

I am going to be a PHG

What's a PHG? I've heard of a PHD but this one is something new.

PHG means Professional Honoured Guest. I already have a long list of invitations, which I have to sift through and pick the ones that give me the most publicity and moolah.

What do you have to do for that?

Now that the fashion season has started I will get invited to top fashion shows by foreign and Indian designers to sit in the front row.

That's wonderful!

Besides that they will even dress me up in their elaborate creations so I get to wear the best clothes.

That's great!

Then I am invited to cut the ribbon for stores, boutiques, malls, markets where I get paid for a few minutes attendance and wear great outfits

You are so lucky.

After that I have to attend foreign and Indian brand launches for clothes, shoes, perfumes, watches, handbags where I am paid really well for a brief appearance and wear top creations.

Wow, fabulous.

Then I attend all the big parties, weddings, and Sangeets and meet the creme de la creme of society wearing haute couture designs.

I really envy you.

Of course, I must not forget the many awards for films, fashion and magazines where I get trophies because I look superb in borrowed clothes.

Simply marvellous!

My PR people have never been more busy than they are now, sending out releases about all my appearances and what I'm wearing where, when, why and how and getting me featured in the media.

I'm sure they are overworked and underpaid now.

The most wonderful part is that I am so busy travelling all over the world attending functions I don't have time for movies.

Well you must be glad you don't have to walk, talk or act. It must be such a pleasure and fun just mutely sitting and getting paid to be a dumb clothes horse.

You are so right, I should have thought of this much earlier instead of struggling for years as an actress. Now I can get to do all these wonderful things without moving a muscle except the only problem is my cheeks hurt, since I have to smile all the time.

Oh that's a minor hiccup. Now you can honestly put a PHG degree at the end of your name and start a new genre in achievements.

THE "A" LIST

MEHER CASTELINO | February 15, 2012  

I want to give one of the biggest parties ever seen. It will be the mother of all parties which will be the talk of the year.

Really, so who is on your guest list since that will make all the difference?

I want the top names in fashion, Bollywood, business, society, politics, and glamour.

That's good so make the list.

I was thinking of the trillionaire's wife who will be my 'Ace' in the list and the wife of the billionaire who has business interests all over the globe.

Watch out they don't see eye to eye and there may be some unpleasantness.

Oh dear let's forget them. I will call the King of Bollywood and also that glamorous award winning star. They will be great names at my party.

Are you crazy don't you know that the wife of the King of Bollywood hates the award winning star and will prevent everyone else from coming too.

Really I didn't know. Okay forget them I'll invite top designers from the capital and some from the east, west and south of the country.

Now you are really asking for trouble. These are different camps and they like to mix with their own kind not aliens from different directions.

I see, so they are out. I'll invite some glamorous models and item girls who will add glamour to my function.

What's your budget? They will charge a bomb to come to your party.

Oh dear I am spending a lot on the party. Maybe I'll call some top end socialites, artists, authors, image consultants, stylists, sportsmen, cricketers, beauty queens, Indian and foreign brand ambassadors.

Well before they accept your invite they will want to know who your other guests are. They don't like to be seen in the company of anybody except their regular party going kind who are drenched in foreign brands. It's quite a small click in which they move around where outsiders are not allowed.

Then maybe I'll call some Young Turk politicians. They want to make an impression with the "Aam Janata" these days and they want to be seen and heard.

That's a good idea but again what's your budget?

Why do I need a budget to invite politicians?

Well they may agree to come only if you donate to their party.

My goodness at this rate I don't have anybody left to invite. I wonder how these socialites manage to give earth shaking parties that are splashed in all the papers and channels with a line-up of celebrities.

They are famous because they are rich so everybody wants to come to their parties and be associated with them. You are neither famous nor rich.

Well, I think I am better off having an enjoyable party with my family where we will have a lot of fun. I prefer the "F" list of guests instead of this fake lot of "A" listers.

EASY STREET

MEHER CASTELINO | February 01, 2012  

These days everybody thinks the fashion business is a cakewalk and anybody can get into it.

Why what's happened?

One hears stories about people just jumping onto the bandwagon by taking side lanes and by lanes instead of the tough real road.

What do you mean-it sounds very ominous?

Just imagine, kids of designers suddenly have exhibitions of their collections when they have hardly got out of school, all because the parents are experienced in the business and know the right publicity moves.

Really, is that how the fashion business is these days?

Then there is this assistant to a top designer who walked off one day with all the paper patterns and the address book with all the contacts of the designer and started business elsewhere charging lower prices.

My goodness that is terrible and unprofessional. What did the designer do?

Nothing actually, but the good part is that the designer is still in business while the assistant started with a Bang and ended the career with a whimper.

Unfair means always end this way.

There is also talk of an experienced pioneering designer suddenly changing tracks and hijacking another designer's full staff and master cutters along with contacts so that a new collection can be added to the designer's failing work which is completely different from the usual unsuccessful look.

This is like a new subtle form of piracy of another kind and it is shocking.

You can say that again. Have you heard of parents living their dreams through their children?

Yes many times but is it happening in the fashion business too?

Yes. Some parents observe their kids are artistic and promptly push them into fashion by getting collections made and attributing them to the kid's talents.

Well must say that's a unique way of getting into the limelight and better than piracy though.

Yes, it maybe but the kid is even made to give interviews on trends where things get a bit muddled, since the child is not too knowledgeable or aware of fashion and the business.

Such a pity, wish parents would let kids grow naturally and not push them into adulthood prematurely.

I suppose they are like Madonna whose young daughter is designing a line called Material Girl dedicated to her mother who is hoping this new publicity angle will bring her more media hype than her personal life.

Goodness, it is amazing what people will do for fame and fortune. The Easy Street seems to be the sure fire way to the top for many but for how long is the question?

GENES TALK

MEHER CASTELINO | January 14, 2012  

I've written the most amazing book on fashion but can't get any publicity for it.

Is it an interesting angle which people will find worth buying and reading and will they get value for money?

Yes, it is a sure fire best seller. It talks about the world of fashion, the pros and cons and the business like it really is. It rips off the glitter from the profession and lays bare the glamorous as well as the seamy side.

Then what's the problem? What is your bio like? Are you from an illustrious background?

I don't know the problem. I am a simple but talented writer. Yet people with no talent are getting into the limelight fast. There are tiny tots of famous singers turning into overnight stars with millions of hits on YouTube for their childish warbling and I can't get any comments from the media or public.

Well you have to be born to the right Manor these days.

The infant grand kid of a drummer bangs on the drums and it is front page news in a national daily and my little one has been drawing circles for years and no one is interested.

That's because you need great grandparents not a god father or mother.

Yes, you are right. Even this unknown writer who has done a book on how to gain weight has become an overnight sensation all because the family owns a major publishing house and knows how to pull the right strings in the media.

So now you know, what the saying "born with a silver spoon" means? Of course in this case it must be a silver pen.

And do you know this super star's new born is already the most talked about and eagerly awaited arrival for the silver screen even before the babe gave that first small whimper.

That's what you call being an heir apparent.

Also there is this ex-beauty queen who has managed to get her entire family into the limelight by gearing up her PR agency to promote the non-existent talents of each member.

So what are you going to do now that you know that it is the family's name that matters when it comes to becoming a celeb and not necessary your talents?

I am going deep into my family tree history right down to the ancient civilization if I have to and research long and hard and find some celebs in my past, so that I can ride on their backs and get the praise and applause due to me.

You are learning fast. Remember no matter how hard you work and how good you are it's your genes talk that matters wherever you go, even before you open your mouth.

TERRITORIAL MOVES

MEHER CASTELINO | January 02, 2012  

My friend and I want to get into the fashion and glamour world but we don't know how to go about it.

It's very simple you have to make the right contacts and you will be fine.

That's the problem, my friend wants to be a designer but doesn't know which institute to pick and after that which fashion week to show at. The ones in the North have their own groups which are difficult to break into. The East is unorganised, the West is too commercial and the South is quite slow.

Yes it's a problem but what about you, what do you want to do?

I want to be a model and then move into Bollywood but don't know where to start.

Yes, you must make the right moves or you will be lost.

Should I get into the coordinators camp, or be sweet to the right photographers, or be the darling of the designers, or cooperate with choreographers, or better still latch onto makeup, hairstylists and high powered magazine editors and stylists?

You are right these are distinct fashion territories so you have to tread carefully. I know that's quite a list but what about Bollywood?

I believe that's another world altogether. I must get into the right camp there too.

Yes I know; failed stars have been given new life by top A Grade heroes while top stars have suddenly become jobless because they said the wrong thing about the right actor. The camps are so well organised that one star's enemy could suddenly rise to the top with the opposite camp.

Wow, this sounds more complicated than a game of chess.

It is. You have to think your moves well in advance or you will not reach the top and will get 'checkmate'. It's like moving through a maze to succeed.

Yes definitely, but once the right camp accepts me then I will be made for life.

But loyalty is very important in the fashion and glamour world. One false move and you are out on the streets and it takes years to crawl back to the top. Remember a top director fell out with a super star and now all his films are flopping. Another spoke against a top actor and was shunned by the industry for years, till the rival camp rescued him. Another model turned star suddenly rose to fame with a negative role opposite a top star and is now winning awards.

Yes I know and the ones in each camp guard their positions with their lives.

Of course, also remember in this fashion and glamour business it is the territorial moves that make all the difference to your career and not your skills or talents.

BURNING BRIDGES

MEHER CASTELINO | December 15, 2011  

I'm moving away from Bollywood and going onto a totally new path.

Why, what happened? You have all the perfect credentials to succeed in Bollywood. A family in the film business, a star father who is a rage nationally and internationally, a great launch, a slim figure, youth on your side with a fresh faced beauty, delightful giggle, the gift of the gab. There is nothing missing, then why divert?

Well actually everything you said was right, but there is one thing missing that seems to prevent me from becoming a great Bollywood star.

What's that?

People say I can't act and isn't that important for a film star?

Oh yes I forgot, all your films flopped - even the home productions because you look like a clothes horse on the screen.

That's right and that's what I'm planning to become - a clothes horse!

Really, for whom or which label?

I have already started by getting freebies from all the top foreign labels which I promote on the Red Carpet.

Oh that's a great start but why not Indian designers' labels? They are all making waves abroad with foreign stars like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry as well as Shakira.

Oh, not the Indian ones please, they have no branding or style. Have you seen many Bollywood stars wearing Indian designer wear abroad? Never!

Oh, so you want to promote foreign labels only and be their clothes horse but has it helped the labels? Have their sales gone up in India or internationally?

Well I don't know. They haven't told me yet.

Then what will you do?

I have already decided the best thing is self-fashion promotion.

What's that?

I will start something in the fashion business and promote it myself.

This is really new! I have heard of flop actresses creating yoga videos, starting acting schools, teaching dancing, producing films or if nothing works then marrying a billionaire and having a baby but entering the fashion business is something new. What are you planning?

I am going to start a fashion label and promote it myself since I am such a great clothes horse with a style sense.

My goodness that is being very optimistic! You can't increase the sales of foreign labels with your presence and you are planning to brand your own label with your image?

Of course, I am known more as a fashion icon than for my acting skills, so why help others when the home fires need a spark.

Well my dear let's hope it works or you will end up being a flop fashion icon just like your movies and then you would have truly burnt all your bridges here and internationally.

INSTANT SOCIAL CLIMBER

MEHER CASTELINO | December 01, 2011  

I am really frustrated with myself and my professional and social progress.

Why what happened?

I am educated, am a pretty model, have the gift of the gab but no one has heard about me!

What have you done that people should know about you?

Well actually nothing, but look at Eeneez Ishee she was an ex model and now she is all over in the papers on page 3 and photographers rush to snap her picture and she is on the "A" list for all the big parties.

Well she was smart; when her career was over she married a millionaire so it catapulted her to the top social ladder.

But look at this sportsman's wife, she is at all the P3 parties wined and dined by celebs.

That's right she is married to an internationally renowned winner so she is a winner herself and a good addition on the guest list.

But what about this lady who hosts top grade parties in all the cities of India? Nobody knows her background and now she is a star!

My dear she had the brains and used them to get into the same league of top foreign brands and one of them hired her to look after their business in the country.

But how do I get into this league? I don't know any bigwigs.

First make sure you get invited to every party and fashion show which is being covered by the media.

I'll try but may not be able to get into every party or fashion show.

Then gate crash them, by being all dressed up and stand at the entrance of the party or fashion show and then slide in when a big crowd enters.

Then, what do I do?

At fashion shows throw a tantrum when you are not in the front row and drop names of designers you have modelled for to impress the ushers and organisers.

Okay will try.

Then start networking and use your charms and the gift of the gab you keep mentioning. Add a foreign accent to your speech which will really help. An American one is popular, British is a little difficult to sustain, Italian or Spanish is exotic but don't try Chinese or Japanese - no one will be able to comprehend what you are saying.

These tips are really helpful. I will start working on my speech right away. But then what? How do I hit the jackpot?

Then you do a little research and find out three important things

What are they?

Point one - check which millionaire or his son is single, point two - any new foreign brands coming into India who want representatives, managers or ambassadors and three ensure that you are wearing something so outlandish that the paparazzi fight to photograph you.

Wow, these are really helpful tips from you and I will start doing my 'homework' right away so that I become an instant social climber.

SURROUND SARI

MEHER CASTELINO | November 14, 2011  

I'm going to create the most unconventional sari design concept ever done by any designer.

Really what are you planning?

Foreigners have been experimenting with our sari for years. There are international scarf brands elongating their scarves into saris. Foreign designers like Zandra Rhodes presented her version of the sari without a "fall" at the hem which fell flat on the fashion charts in India.

I know they were not successful. Are you planning to pre-stitch the sari for easy wear?

Oh no, that is so passe

Then will you drape saris like gowns, lehengas or dhotis?

Oh please, those have been done to death by nearly every designer.

Are you planning to drape the sari minus a petticoat?

Don't be silly that is so tacky.

Okay, I get it you will style them over jeans, churidars, pants or salwars.

Oh dear no, that's over and done with season after season.

I know what you are planning. You want to shorten the sari into a mini short version.

No that was tried some seasons ago but have you seen anyone wearing the short sari?

No I haven't, but I think I know what you will do. You will cut up a sari into a dress, gown, anarkali or lehenga.

Are you crazy that will be a sin and a fashion crime! How can anyone do that to our traditional weaves and precious fabrics?

Then will you drape two or three saris together in a dozen styles and start new trends?

Listen in these days of recession one sari is difficult to buy and you are talking about two and three together. All that looks good on the stage or in print but in reality fashionistas may fall on their faces handling 10-15 metres around them.

I give up what great unconventional thing are you going to do with the sari?

I am going to turn a sari into a versatile piece of fabric.

How will you do that?

After wearing my saris and tiring of them when they go out of fashion; a lady can drape her windows and doors with them or use them as bedspreads or table cloths and when the sari style returns after a couple of seasons, which always happens in fashion, her curtains, bedspreads and table cloths will be there to drape her at that important event.

My goodness you are brilliant. The lady will save money, have beautiful linen for her home and she will be in fashion whenever necessary.

Exactly, my saris will travel from the wardrobes to the windows and surround not only the lady but her whole home and our weavers will never go hungry because of the quick sari and home linen turnover since I will keep creating more saris throughout the year.

SOCIAL AMNESIA

MEHER CASTELINO | October 31, 2011  

Hi it's so great to meet you at this fashion show after so many years.

Excuse me but do we know each other?

Don't you remember me? We were in the same class in school for seven years and we were best friends?

Really when was that? I left school just a couple of years ago.

Don't be silly you left school in the 8th standard 35 years ago to become a model, then won a beauty contest and then became a Bollywood star after which you married that industrialist tycoon.

You must be joking. It can't be that long ago that we were in school together? By the way which one was it?

Goodness, don't you remember that small girl's school in Patli Gulli. We sat on the last bench because we never knew the answers.

Really can't remember.

You won the prettiest girl in class prize in the 7th standard.

Oh yes that's right, I now recollect, so what are you doing these days?

I am a journalist reporting on important celebrities and their achievements.

Oh how wonderful, that's right now I remember, we sat next to each other in class for years. You were so clever. Let's get together over lunch and I'll tell you everything about my achievements.

Are you doing anything now? I thought you married that billionaire and was on the page 3 circuit getting invited to parties and posing at every society event.

I have to do that to keep in touch with the high society, which is important for my husband's business. You know how fame is; it turns into an addiction when you have been in the limelight for years. I have to see my picture every morning in the papers even if I have to pay for it now or I go into acute depression.

But that's no achievement, what great things have you done lately to be featured?

Darling, I'm head of so many committees. One is for the best hairdos in town, another for the fastest way to size zero and so many more like a charity drive for stunted plants.

Oh, our readers are a little more cerebral and want meaty stuff to read.

I'll give you lots of meaty stuff - who's with whom, who's doing what, why and when.

Hold it, that is page 3 stuff, which does not interest our readers.

Let's do lunch next week anyway and you will find me so interesting. We can also catch up on our good old school days when everybody envied me for my beauty. By the way what did you say your name was?

It is okay when I'm doing a story on social amnesia I'll call you.

RAMP WARS

MEHER CASTELINO | October 14, 2011  

Modelling was such a peaceful relaxed fun profession decades ago.

Yes it was great, just a handful of models ruled the roost and all were so close and friendly it was like one big family.

Agree, now it is a dog eat dog world on the catwalk not only for the female but also the male models and it is a constant rat race with everyone from 6 to 60 wanting to jump onto the ramp.

I believe there are auditions held before fashion events and models are paraded before a jury and then selected just like in a beauty contest or for a job.

It sounds more like a "cattle show" where the sturdiest and best are chosen. I believe there are wars backstage where girls try to get rid of the biggest competition by sabotaging their chances.

Really? This is really terrible. Now this profession has degenerated into a battle field.

There are fights also to open and close the shows and models walk out of events when they are not given the dress they want to model or the correct entry in the shows.

My goodness that sounds terrible. But models are supposed to be mute clothes horses that walk zombie like on the ramp without attracting any attention, so that the focus is on the clothes and the audience is not distracted.

Forget it. Now models are wild cats backstage where there are fights not only for the best outfits but even to settle personal scores.

Personal scores between models, what do you mean?

Apparently one model beat up her rival who stole her boyfriend just before a show. I really felt sorry for the makeup man who had to work extra hard to conceal the bruises on the girl's face. The angry girl actually threatened to knock the rival off the ramp if she was given a double entry with her. So even the poor choreographer was in a fix and had to change the running order of the show at the last minute.

I can't believe this could be happening at shows. Models have enough problems trying to get shows without turning the events into savage personal wars.

Of course, now these poor Indian models of both sexes have to contend with competition from the foreign imports.

Yes I heard the foreign models for half the rates or even at times free.

Oh no, they get paid well; you know how we love fair skins. Just see the number of whitening cream ads on TV. Even foreign skin care brands promise porcelain white skins in a few months.

Oh dear now the wars are on and off the ramp. How one longs for the good old days when models were a rare species and wars were between countries.

IMAGE CONS

MEHER CASTELINO | October 03, 2011  

I'm looking for an interesting profession to take up now that I have some free time.

What are your qualifications?

Actually nothing, I'm just a well-dressed party animal with the gift of the gab and a lot of style.

So with these talents what are you planning?

I was thinking of becoming an image consultant.

What's that? Never heard of it?

It's a profession where I change the way a man or woman looks and dresses.

That sounds interesting. So where will you start?

I'll start by changing the look and dress sense of my sister.

Okay that's safe, but after that what?

You don't know there are thousands of men and women with money who want to look like Bollywood stars so I will guide them.

Wow, that will be a wonderful way to succeed in a profession.

Then there are millionaire's and billionaire's wives who want to get out of their homely images and want to appear on foreign magazine covers. I will transform them.

Amazing you will get a lot of work for this.

Do you know that in the 21st century even 5-year-olds are sent to image consultants by their parents so that they grow up with the right profile and are successful in whatever they do?

So what do you have to do actually?

I will revamp their wardrobes with all the top foreign couture brands, improve their looks with the best beauty products and teach them how to walk, talk and hold a fork, knife and spoon. If need be I will even get their faces and figures altered with cosmetic surgery. I have contacts with all the fashion and cosmetic brands so they will be happy I am sending them customers.

You sound more like a finishing school.

Well, I am different. I don't have any fixed premises. I move with my clients and ensure they spend all the money on the items that I suggest they buy to improve themselves. So I am not investing anything except my time. If we have to go shopping abroad then they foot the bill for all my travels and expenses and I will be able to visit countries I always wanted to see.

But will it be a paying career for you?

Of course, do you know how much image consultants charge? It's lakhs of rupees and all it requires is the right approach and skill in convincing people that they can look like their favourite Bollywood star.

That sounds amazing but will it always work?

Definitely it will work. Haven't you seen how some wives of top industrialists are looking like super models after an image consultation?

You are absolutely amazing, not only are you a genius and literally a magician by thinking of this profession, but for most people you could even be termed as god for giving them what they were not born with.

HEIR APPARENT

MEHER CASTELINO | September 15, 2011  

These days people are very worried about their successors who will keep the family name and career up in lights

What's the problem? What are they doing?

Do you know Inkie Ding the top interior design is promoting his five your old son who is making pots and pans in his pottery class?

Really that is amazing.

This will help Inkie to keep the legacy alive and at the same time sell the tiny tot's work for huge amounts because of his push.

Wow that so wonderful.

Oh and do you know that Slinky Seema the top model of yesteryear has launched her daughter on the ramp!

Really but her daughter must be very young?

Of course she is only three but now it is important to be young and nubile to sell all the cosmetics and fashion.

I have heard youth sells but now it seems it is toddlers who are the stars.

That's not all, that Bollywood handsome hunk who is seen in all the super hit movies is promoting his son for lead roles.

But that has always been the case in the movies. More like a dynastic rule.

Yes, but the son is only 12 months old and is cornering all the infant roles in the movies and on TV

My goodness this is really getting out of hand.

The most shocking is this top designer pushing her daughter as a super design talent and even making sure she gets all the plum contracts and awards.

Really, Nepotism knows no bounds these days, but the daughter must be talented.

Not at all, how can you judge the talents of a 12 year old in fashion designing when all she does is doodle all day!

You are so right.

But all this is fine, but there are designers and stars who insist that their children walk the ramp with them when they take a bow or attend a movie premiere so that the public learns to accept and recognise them as celebs when they grow up.

Goodness, this is like living in reflected glory for those poor kids who are being given a taste of this fake tinsel world from childhood.

There are singers who are promoting their children as the next big voices to watch out for and getting them to perform.

That is good since you have to do it from childhood if you want to be an expert.

Yes, but the poor things are just 2 years old and can just about sing Jai ho!

Well in this day and age everyone wants their successor, whether it is politics, movies, fashion or careers. The heir apparent is very important to carry on the dynastic rule just like royalty does.

CRAFTS UNITE

MEHER CASTELINO | September 02, 2011  

I am so busy these days I don't have time to breathe.

What's happening?

The fashion week and bridal season has started and designers are showering us with orders for hand and machine embroidery.

That is really good news. How do you manage?

I have to triple my staff and good embroiderers are in short supply these days. Besides I have to prepare the jaals and samples of the embroidery for each designer.

That must be hard work but don't the designers give you their jaals?

Are you crazy! They just stitch long skirts and cholis or Kalidaars but we give them the sparkle and life on the ramp.

Then that does not require much creativity on their part if they are only stitching long skirts

Exactly we are the ones who turn a panelled skirt into a rustic or bridal lehenga otherwise they are just pieces of cloth joined together.

So true, that it is the designer who takes all the credit and gets the fame for the collection.

That's the whole problem. We are not given any credit or praise. In fact we are practically anonymous and invisible.

You are so right it's not fair.

We are going to do something about it. We want our share of credit and fame.

What will you do?

We are thinking of starting an embroiderers' union. There are unions for taxi drivers, bus drivers, pilots, engineers, motor men, nurses, doctors, students, cooks, retailers, maids, models, etc. it's high time we embroiderers came together and asked for our rights.

That's good. You deserve it. What will you do?

We will start with a gentle satyagrah and give designers a warning.

That's sensible then what?

After that we will down our needles, threads, scissors and dismantle our looms and strike during the fashion weeks and bridal seasons. Then we want to see who will buy their collections.

Wow, you will definitely irreplaceable and indispensable.

Exactly, for other professions you can get back-up staff but when it comes to embroidery we are the masters. I want to see some of these designers doing a decent chain or satin stitch.

But, if that does not work, then what will you do?

We will then rope in the tailors and master cutters on whom the designers are also totally dependent.

Now that is really going for the kill, I must say.

These are difficult times so drastic measures have to be taken. Then we want to see how these designers are going to bring out collections since some of them can hardly cut or stitch.

My goodness I think your union and plans of action will definitely bring the designers to their knees and bridal couples will be left weeping at the altar with no glitter to light up their lives.

FRONT ROW SOIREES

MEHER CASTELINO | August 16, 2011  

I am so excited it's time for the fashion week season which happens twice a year in the country and I just love it.

I am sure; you are such a stylish person, you need to keep abreast with all the latest trends in the business.

Oh no, that is not why I attend all the fashion shows.

Then what do you go there for?

First of all I get to sit in the front row since I am the editor of a foreign magazine and a celeb.

But of course!

Then I get to catch up with all my friends who are regular front row benchers and we have a great time chatting and catching up.

Sounds fun, but you don't have to do that in the front row. You can do it before or after the show?

You don't understand we catch up on the gossip on the ramp and off about people at the show in the front rows and we can only do that when the show is on.

Isn't it a bit rude to be chatting while the show is on?

Not at all! It shows how important and busy we are, besides I don't only chat I also Tweet throughout the show.

Oh, do you comment on the clothes?

No, don't be silly, I haven't written a word since I became the editor; I have my juniors to do that.

Then what do you Tweet about?

Lots of things, like whose dating whom, which couples have split or exchanged partners. Then I give my views on world politics, what people are wearing, who has lost weight, fashion faux pas, who has moved from page 3 to page 10, who are the wannabe nouveau rich celebs, etc. There is so much to write that one fashion show is not enough that is why I attend as many as I can.

That's interesting but you can do this anywhere. Why at a fashion show?

You don't understand because it is so peaceful while the show is going on. There are no distractions. It is "me time" which I can grab only for a few hours at a fashion show and catch up on the latest news with friends, in person or electronically without any interference. Besides it is so relaxing at a show with the music, dim lights – it's heavenly. It's like a big rocking party in the front row.

Wow, I did not realise how important the front rows were in people's lives besides being status symbols. I have heard of birthday, anniversary, student, soirees but a fashion show front row "soiree" now that gives a new meaning to the word!

FAUX DESIGNERS

MEHER CASTELINO | August 01, 2011  

I'm going to do something exciting with my life it has become boring attending page 3 and kitty parties.

What are you planning?

I was thinking of presenting a collection of real jewellery next month.

Collection of real jewellery, but you don't know anything about designing jewellery you just wear it thanks to your jeweller friends who lend it to you for parties.

That's exactly why I am going to present a collection. My jeweller is a simple rustic designer in a small village. He is not PR or marketing savvy. He wants me to be the face of his jewellery line in the cities.

So you are going to model his jewellery?

No, no, he has given me permission to put my name on his jewellery as the designer, even though I haven't drawn a line.

But isn't that dishonest to say you are the designer?

Not at all! I am giving the jewellery my name so he should be grateful. Then I will have shows thanks to my many rich contacts that will sponsor me.

That's really great!

Then I will get my society and kitty party friends to model for me.

Amazing marketing strategy I must say, but what about sales?

I will coax my page 3 friends to buy some pieces or wear them at parties and publicise me.

Very, very, smart!

This way the real ladies with deep pockets will want to own the jewellery which will get a lot of publicity.

Wow, what an idea. But what happens if someone asks you about the technique of designing jewellery since you haven't designed it.

Well you know what a smooth talker I am. I can handle those teeny bopper journalists who anyway have no clue about jewellery or garments. They will be in awe of me; they will swallow whatever jargon I give them.

You are so clever, but this jeweller is really intelligent to have picked you to be the front for his collection.

See when you party a lot and are a regular on page 3, you are made for life. One can become anything one wants.

How fabulous and then what are you planning?

I will show jewellery for a few months and then move on to displaying a garment collection at one of the fashion weeks.

Will you be designing that at least?

Not at all, where do I have the time between my parties and social work. I will get a few young talented designers and then just put my name on the label, that way everybody is happy. Besides most top designers hardly design themselves; they get interns to do all the work and then put their names on the collections so I am not doing anything unusual.

My goodness, you are going to be one of the first faux designers who will be nationally renowned thanks to your brilliant ideas.

FASHION AILMENTS

MEHER CASTELINO | July 15, 2011  

FASHION AMNESIA

I really don't know what to do with my collections I have participated in so many fashion weeks in the last month I have lost count of them.

That is great you must have got many orders

That's the problem I have met so many buyers I have lost count of them too. I don't remember which buyer ordered what. So now I am sampling my whole collection and sending it to all the buyers hoping they will remember what they ordered since I don't.

That must be a lot of trouble for you, sampling the whole collection.

Oh did I say whole collection? Sorry I forgot. I'm sending them sketches of my whole collection to jog their memory.

Well I hope that helps to jog your memory too. Participation in too many fashion weeks seems to have given you amnesia.

MODEL ACHES

I'm so tired this fashion season gets very hectic once it starts. I have aches and pains all over my body and need a foot, back, head and body massage.

I thought you just have to wear the clothes and walk for 30 seconds twice in each show. How tiring can that be?

That is not tiring. But first we wait for the fittings, then we wait for the makeup and hair, then we wait for the show to start, and finally we wait for the payments. Waiting is a very tiring and strenuous job for a model.

I suppose if waiting is the only strenuous thing you do your profession must be the easiest in the world.

RETAIL RASH

I have just started creating collections and can't pick the right retailers.

Take the ones that suit the image of your creations.

Yes but there are so many retailers sprouting all over the country like a rash. I am wary of their credentials. They want garments on consignment and then some make copies and return the originals to the designer.

Oh dear that sounds scary then your creations will spread all over like a rash without your knowledge.

INSPIRATION INSOMNIA

Another fashion week is around the corner and I still haven't got any inspiration for it.

There are so many topics you can choose from.

There are thousands of themes but they have all been done. I'm having sleepless nights thinking of an original topic.

How about the seas, sun, moon, stars, country, love, hate, romance, seasons, history or future these are possibilities.

Not strong enough. I know what will be my inspiration it will be so "me" and it's in the 'present'. I am inspired by my sleepless nights; my collection will be called "Insomnia".

Well let's hope it keeps the audience awake long enough to see it.

SPONSORS' SPURS

Getting a sponsor for my show is the most painful thing. I have been running around for weeks but with no success and have developed spurs on my feet.

There are so many companies who want to latch onto fashion like apparel brands, cars, liquor, sports, resorts, perfumes, cosmetic companies.

None of them are interested. Now it is only cricket they want to sponsor not fashion.

I know which company would be ideal for your collection and your health.

What do you mean my health?

Well you have spurs so go for a medical brand to sponsor your creations and kill two birds with one stone by getting your feet treated too!

Wow, what an idea it sure "spurs" me on creatively too.

THE RIGHT PUSH

MEHER CASTELINO | July 01, 2011  

Helloji, I believe you are a famous person in the fashion business. Please take my Mintoo under your wing and make her a model.

Sorry she has to go to a modelling school and learn. I don't have time.

Arrey ji, my Mintoo is tall, fair, has long hair, legs, good curves, please discover her. Arrey Mintoo beta, come here and smile and pose for this important person.

How old is your daughter?

Ji, she is old enough to model and do anything you want. Even my son is very handsome and tall. Both have won prizes for being the best looking in their 6th standard beauty contest. Mintoo has modelled her own creations at shows which were held at my bhanji's Sangeet and wedding celebrations. She is very talented.

That's fine for a family function but it won't do professionally.

Arrey ji, some of the top Bollywood superstars had come for an item number at this wedding and they said Mintoo had talent and should be put on the ramp and then maybe onto the silver screen.

I think both your daughter and son are too young and you need to wait till they grow up and get them groomed professionally. Right now allow them to finish school and their studies.

But haven't you read how all the top models and stars start when still in school and by the time they are 17 they are superstars? I want Mintoo and Pintoo to become celebs while they are still young.

But the fashion world is tough and so is the movie business which they will have to handle at such a young age.

Don't worry I will be there all along wherever they go. Remember how all the top stars of the country started out young and are divas of the big screen now, all because of their parents' help.

Make up your mind do you want them to become models or stars?

I don't mind anything as long as they are famous and people see them in the media. I know with your help they will reach the top soon and besides, now they want them young and fresh while they are still in school.

But I don't have any say in the selection of models or stars. I am just a master cutter for a top designer!

Yes, yes, I know, but I have heard if you want to reach the top you need to work from the grass roots level and meet the people at the bottom for the right push.

IMAGE MAKEOVER

MEHER CASTELINO | June 14, 2011  

I'm going in for an image makeover and gradually moving away from my profession as a movie star

Why what are you planning?

My movies are not doing so well even though I have some solid family backing, since my acting skills are still not all that good; so I need a new 'peg' to hang on and get publicity.

You are so honest about your short comings, that is really great, so what are you planning to do, take up direction or production?

Oh no, that is too risky and besides I have no knowledge of it. My family is already doing it and I don't want them to go in a loss because of my lack of skills.

So what's this image makeover you are planning?

I was thinking of something glamorous like becoming a style icon, a fashionista who sets trends.

A style icon, what do you know about fashion?

Nothing again, but I'll hire a stylist who will dress me in the best foreign designer labels, then I will attend all the top events in the country and even abroad. Today foreign brands need publicity and are willing to go to great lengths and give free clothes to publicise the label at high profile events.

But that doesn't require much intelligence you will be like a pseudo model.

Yes, but with my filmi background I will be a notch above these mannequins.

But you said your films were all flops and your acting talents haven't surfaced yet.

I may not be known for my acting or modelling talents but the few interviews I have given on TV have made headlines and shaken the media and film world and catapulted me to fame and fortune.

Really, just a few catty interviews to shock the viewers have done the trick?

Definitely I have never had so much publicity as I did after a talk show where I gave shocking answers.

Goodness, all these talented stars who are still slogging in the background should take tips from you.

Exactly, what's the point of learning method acting, giving natural stirring performances like I tried to do in my first film? It got me nowhere. Now with my new found fashion image I will score on all fronts and the media and public will love me since I will be exuding glamour. I will sign jewellery endorsements, get photographed, invited and be interviewed as I pose and preen around in my new image makeover as a fashion trendsetter.

You may be so right, today it is the age of the bimbette that seems to score over grey matter; so posing and making grandiose statements about fashion and claiming it's your passion will at least get you somewhere if the silver screen won't.

CRITICAL ACCLAIM

MEHER CASTELINO | June 01, 2011  

I'm going to change my profession in this fashion business.

Why what are you planning?

From fashion designer, I'm turning into a critique and commenting on everyone's dress sense. It's a far more powerful profession than dressing people up. Besides I'll get a chance to criticise other designers' creations.

That's so brave of you!

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I'm giving up my business journalism career and starting a critical blog on fashion where I tear apart every celeb's dress sense.

But what's so satisfying about that? As a business journalist you had readers following your writing and were so respected?

Who wants respect? Now I want to be feared. I want people to shiver and shake when they see me at functions I want to be powerful.

If being horrid makes you happy then it is fine.

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I'm going to stop VJing and will soon be having a TV show where I dissect every maharaja, maharani and royalty's sartorial sense. It will be a show that will have ruthless classic touches that will say it all like it really is.

My goodness you seem to enjoy being cruel on your show.

Yes I don't want to be sugary sweet like other hosts. I want to be mean and nasty.

That's so unusual.

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I'm so bored with my kitty parties and page 3 appearances. I am going to start a whole website which will only thrive on criticism. I'll critique everything and everybody right from clothes, accessories, food, travel, movie stars, politicians, models, designers, chefs, hotels. You name it and I will critique it.

Oh dear that will be a really vast canvas to cover but do you have any expert knowledge about the things you are going to critique?

None what so ever, but who is knowledgeable on any subject these days. We are a bunch of people who want to pick holes in everything and everybody. Today being catty gets you fame and fortune.

But isn't there a more positive and gentle way to fame instead of spreading bad blood all around.

Today being bad is the fastest way to grab headlines and glory and I want to be the meanest critique in the world. Check out all the magazines, websites and TV programmes. Which topics get more eyeballs? It's the ones with lots of swearing, bitching and criticising that have the highest circulation and TRPs not the saintly shows where good triumphs over evil.

I am so surprised that these days it is being bad that makes one feel good.

The power of the pen/keyboard is really mighty now. The web is chocking with critiques, websites and blogs. The print and electronic media are flooded with articles and programmes that pick holes in everything people do. This is the age of the critique that has the freedom to comment.

You are so right, now it's only the people who are mean and nasty who get "critical acclaim".

EMPTY VESSELS

MEHER CASTELINO | May 16, 2011  

Hi girls, I'm so excited we are all going to Kaissannes Film Festival together. What fun it will be. Imagine what an impact we will make on the international media and crowd as we represent our country. We will truly shake the world in our couture creations.

Why are you going there? Is it to promote the films you have acted in?

No way, we don't have any films that will be of interest at the film festival. We are representing different consumer brands and thanks to them we get a free junket, beautiful gowns and a chance to walk on the Red Carpet.

Consumer brands! I thought Kaissannes Film festival is an international film expo not a consumer Mela.

Listen, India is hot right now so what better way to get in the international limelight with brands then at a film festival as well as get noticed by the local media.

So for which brands are you the promoters?

Well, I'm going to Kaissannes Film Festival to promote an amla, castor, olive, karela and brinjal 5-in-one hair oil treatment.

Wow that's great!

I'm going to represent the new mystic henna to colour the hair mauve.

That's an unusual colour but I suppose you could start a fashion.

But I have the best brand. It is an herbal drink really ideal for those looking for spiritual enlightenment. It is believed to have the same effect as yoga has on some people.

How wonderful what unique marketing. The West will really love these products.

My product is really fabulous. It's smooth, stylish and very necessary.

Wow, what is this necessity of life you are representing?

It is cement.

What! Cement! Why would the media and audience want cement when they have such great stuff which is long lasting in the West and what connection does it have with films anyway?

You are so ignorant. In the West the film world is so fickle and our cement isn't long lasting either. Build a theatre or house with it and it collapses after a few months. Life is now temporary and so are the products. It is the perfect base for stars who want to move from house to house and husband to husband.

Sounds a bit weird, but if it gets the company publicity, then its fine.

So, what are you promoting, you look very smug and confident?

Nothing, I have strong contacts and I AM THE BRAND. My mother's, brother's, wife's, cousin's, husband's, sister's, uncle's, daughter's, son has influence to get me into all the parties and dinners at the film festival so that I can get photographed with all the presidents, prime ministers and celebs. This is the most difficult job, since I have no sponsors to push me. I am a one-woman show who will get all the attention on and off any carpet.

What an idea my dear, you are truly an "empty vessel" that will make the most noise.

FROM NANO TO NANA

MEHER CASTELINO | May 2, 2011  

Life is so difficult I have no assignments these days I am just twiddling my thumbs all day

Why what was your profession?

I was a top commercial model for years with the best ad campaigns.

So what happened? You are beautiful with a lovely photogenic face and figure.

Who wants that anymore? The competition is so tough from everywhere and everyone.

You mean these foreign models who have invaded the country?

No the competition is from my own home front.

Your home front! What do you mean? More gorgeous models are in your family?

Not at all am I getting stiff competition from my two year old niece and 6 months old nephew. They are so busy modelling for dozens of assignments every month they are making more money than I ever did.

But they are just kids! Their product line is different like baby food and diapers.

Not at all, they are modelling for hair dyes, beauty products, cars, soaps, clothes, shoes all the brands I modelled for in the past.

Wow that's a revelation!

Right now cute cuddly babies who can help sell anything from a pin to an iPad are in demand.

How marketing and advertising has changed. But don't fret they'll grow up and lose their cute appeal.

That's not my only problem, on the other side my father, mother Nana and Nani are getting calls from model coordinators to feature in dozens of ads

Really! My goodness now wonderful! They must be so beautiful and handsome. How did they get spotted?

A talent scout saw my parents at the mandir and my Nana and Nani at a Satsang. They are all very distinguished looking.

So they must be modelling for health drinks, tonics, balms and vitamins.

Are you kidding they have campaigns for holiday resorts, foreign cars, scooters, cosmetics, designer haute couture. They are eating into my work portfolio too.

Oh dear, that is really sad but it must be all for a short time so don't worry.

Not at all my parents, Nana and Nani got an offer for a Takaji serial and a major Bollywood blockbuster and my niece and nephew are signed up for the Indian version of "Friends" but this one is from the cradle stage so they are made for life literally.

Oh no, what will you do now?

I don't know I spent so much time and effort gyming, keeping fit, botoxed my face, got my beauty treatments and became a perfect specimen and now all that is wasted. They want models that are either pudgy and cuddly or old and wrinkled.

Well it's the retro look all over the world for everything so old is gold it seems on all fronts moving from Nano to Nana. But think positive, in a couple of decades you will be old and wrinkled and will be back in demand!

FASHION WEEK FRENZY

MEHER CASTELINO | Mar 15 2011  

I always have a nervous breakdown whenever a fashion week starts

Why what happens?

My cell phone never stops ringing for passes. I don't know how to handle it sometimes.

But as a PR person you have your quota of passes, you don't have to worry.

I do but I get calls from the most unusual persons, like the chauffeur of a sponsor whose family is especially coming from the village for the fashion week and I don't know what to say.

That's really difficult

The other day important celebs wanted front row passes for their VIP guests and getting out of that situation was more difficult than trying to hide when bumping into my old flame on a bad hair day.

How embarrassing.

That's nothing there are people who want to pay any amount to get a pass and won't believe that the shows are by invitation only.

Then what do you do?

I pacify them gently. You never know when we may need them as sponsors in the future for the fashion weeks.

That's really sensible.

Of course the most difficult requests are to meet the celebs and stars at the fashion week. The rush and stampede is so great it's unbelievable. People will do or give anything for a glimpse of the stars and many times even our bouncers get hurt in the confusion.

Really I can't understand this celebs watching mania.

Oh you don't know there was this ardent fan who waited overnight to spot the super star and unfortunately could only see the star's limo which apparently pacified the person to a certain extent.

Goodness this is madness.

Then I have to handle the calls for the various Fashion Week parties' invitations which are in great demand. Gate crashers have to be checked and invitees who try to sneak in the whole family have to be diplomatically discouraged.

How do you handle this situation?

We ask for all our official invitees to send in their blood group and we do a quick check at the entrance to see the right people are getting in.

Wow that is really a high tech way of crowd control.

The most nerve wrecking time is the Grand Finale show when the whole country wants passes.

Really how do you handle that?

Initially I tried various ways of refusing politely; but it didn't work, so now I move around in disguise and change my cell number before each Grand Finale which is driving me crazy since I end up forgetting my number.

It seems fashion weeks are really causing more of frenzy these days for invitations and passes then even the World Cup.

DOWN AND OUT

MEHER CASTELINO | Mar 10 2011  

TRAGEDY ONE

This fashion business is the pits. It is so unreliable.

Why what happened?

I paid to participate in the South Pole Fashion Week and now the organizers have absconded with all the money.

Oh dear that is terrible. But you can sue them.

I would if I can find them; they seem to have disappeared into thin air.

TRAGEDY TWO

Why are you crying anything wrong?

Who wouldn't cry? I was asked to design a collection for the Outer Space Sports Week Fashion Show and now it's cancelled.

Really, but that's okay you don't have to make the collection now.

What do you mean, I have made the collection, invested lakhs of rupees and now the committee doesn't even recognize me.

But didn't they hire you to do the collection?

They did but the committee that confirmed me has changed and the new one hasn't heard of my work.

What a pity, you should have taken an advance.

Are you crazy, nobody dare ask for an advance from the Outer Space Sports Week? They are so big; designers were literally killing each other to work for them.

Well now you are dead, with a debt you will be paying for a long time.

TRAGEDY THREE

You look miserable, what's your problem?

I wish I was dead, my life is ruined

Calm down what happened?

I was signed up to model for this amazing 12 day fashion week on the equator which was paying lakhs of rupees and now it's cancelled.

Oh, what's so bad about that, there will be another one?

Well, I was supposed to get married during those 12 days which I cancelled; so my fiance was livid and he broke up with me. Now not only am I broke but heartbroken too. I wish I had gotten married; at least my fiance was more reliable than that fashion week.

TRAGEDY FOUR

Another problem, what are you so miserable about?

My event management company has lost everything and we may have to close down.

Why what happened?

We had to organize a grand fashion show with 50 models for the wedding of the daughter of the billionaire in the South Sea Islands and the payment would have kept us happy for the rest of our lives.

That's great so what happened to make you sad?

Well now it's all cancelled since the billionaire's daughter eloped with the chauffeur.

Goodness, all these tragedies are really terrible. They leave so many people in the fashion industry down and out. It sure is a risky business to be in.

LIFE'S REGRETS

MEHER CASTELINO | Feb 25 2011  

REGRET 1

It was my childhood dream to be an architect like Frank Wright or Corbusier but I ended up in the Bollywood world.

How did that happen? Architecture is such a great career?

What could I do I was sketching the design for a mall when a director saw me and offered a role opposite the great Khan. I couldn't resist that.

But you can't act so how did you get into films?

Can anyone in today's movies act? It was my beauty that floors them on the screen.

REGRET 2

I nearly became a neuro surgeon but during my first year in med school I entered a beauty contest which I won and soon I was crowned Miss Global 2011 in Antarctica so now I travel the world promoting global peace.

You gave up a truly noble profession of medicine for just a one year beauty jaunt?

Obviously, you know how much surgeons are paid working in small hospitals. With this title I am made for life.

REGRET 3

All my life I wanted to make pretty clothes for people but I'm now a nuclear scientist since my parents insisted I follow their profession.

But that's great, fashion is so flippant and changeable and now so competitive. You are in a great profession and have a fabulous career in the future.

Not at all, my rockets and space ships look like tube dresses and lean shifts they aren't doing much for my nuclear life.

REGRET 4

If I hadn't been a model I would have been a professor in a college teaching psychology it was my dream career.

What happened why didn't you do that?

Are you crazy! Have you seen the salaries of college professors and the money models make? Besides I get to travel around the world and am wined and dined by all?

Yes, but a teaching job is so satisfying, you work on the minds of the young and turn them into better human beings.

I'd rather work on the minds of these millionaires in the audience at a fashion shows. That's where the money and my destiny in life lies.

REGRET 5

I've reached the end of my modelling career and I don't know where to go from here.

Most people after modelling go for model coordination, choreography, designing, brand management, PR, styling, TV hosts, makeup and hair styling, etc.

I want to move out of this business it is so catty and false. I wish I had continued with my law degree instead of opting for easy money.

Well now you know when you leave a reliable career for a good and easy life it does not work in the long run and you are left with nothing to look forward to.

BLOGGER'S TALES

MEHER CASTELINO | Feb 11 2011  

Mum what will you give me for my birthday?

What do you want darling. Say and I shall get you the toy that your heart desires.

I want to be famous like my classmates and express my opinion

That is very good after all this birthday will be a landmark in your life when you will be entering a new phase. What shall I get for you?

I want something that enables me to spread my creativity.

Lovely I will get you a set of Faber colour pens and a lovely art book

Oh no, that is so passe. I want something a little high tech maybe a Samsung Galaxy iPad.

What, even I don't have that! What will you do with something so intricate at your age?

I'll blog on everything under the sun like all my friends are doing especially on fashion and then I'll twitter too.

But my darling, aren't you a little young? What do you know about professions like fashion, lifestyle and even high tech gadgets?

Mum everybody knows how to handle an iPad these days from my generation. It's your generation that is still reading fashion glossies. As far as knowledge is concerned I will write about what I see in fashion and how I feel about it.

But what do you know about fashion?

Nothing mum, but neither do all the teeny bopper bloggers all over the world but look where it got them! Tavi Gavinson and Cecelia Cassini are in the front row of couture shows around the world and some of them are even starting their own line of apparel because of the fame they have earned through blogging.

But don't you want to study and get a degree before you start giving your opinion on subjects you don't know a thing about?

Of course I'll study but it won't make me famous. Today it's the World Wide Web that makes one's life and money with social networking sites, blogs, and twitter and when you write about fashion and designers you are made. It's the career that has overtaken medicine, law, commerce and business administration.

Oh dear professions have changed just like the world has.

You are right mum. I'll give my expert opinion on street wear, couture, pret, diffusion, lingerie, women's, men's, children's infant diapers and nappy wear, beauty and accessories. I'll critique shows and designers who will in turn be very sweet to me. The sky is the limit and top fashion weeks in the country will wine and dine me with front row seats. Today the blog is mightier than the sword.

My goodness, I never dreamt that my cute five year old about to enter school in the KG class, was a genius, intelligent and so mature that people will be willing to read tiny tot tales and pay for them.

EDITED OUT

MEHER CASTELINO | Jan 28 2011  

I'm really excited. After so many years in fashion journalism I am going for a job interview with one of the biggest foreign fashion glossies in the country.

Wow, you are really lucky, all the best.

What happened you look really sad? How was the interview? Did you get the job?

It was terrible and I did not get the job. The editor and I were on different levels.

What do you mean on different levels, was it something like The Devil Wears Prada type of experience where the editor makes the intern's life miserable.

No no not at all. If the editor had been one of the top names in the fashion business I would have been delighted but here we had a communication problem.

What do your mean by that.

The questions and answers just did not match.

Whose questions and whose answers did not match?

My questions and the editor's answers were on totally different levels and on a tangent. It looked as if we were talking two different languages.

But aren't you supposed to answer the editor's questions in an interview?

Yes, I thought so too. But the editor's past experience was with an electrical and mechanical engineering magazine so I was asked questions that were far from fashion oriented?

Then what did you do?

I ended up questioning the editor's fashion knowledge and the answers I got nearly scared me off. When I spoke about trends, the editor mentioned aero hangers, when I said drapes the reply was about iron curtains, and when I described categories, the response was electrical and mechanical. The editor even confessed that any information I could give on fashion would be most welcome.

My goodness this is crazy. How did they appoint such a person as the editor of a foreign fashion glossy?

Simple, these days the persons with the right contacts and who are in the right places at the right time move to great heights even if their fashion knowledge is zero.

Really is that what is happening?

Yes. I was even willing to give a fast track crash course on fashion to the editor as a favour, but in the bargain I was not willing to unlearn what I know on the subject and answer irrelevant questions.

You are right. You are a trained fashion writer with years of experience. It is crazy to work for an editor who knows nothing about the fashion subject.

Quite true, I just made a quick exit and edited myself out of the magazine office.

VIRTUAL BEAUTY

MEHER CASTELINO | Jan 10 2010  

I always dreamt of being a model but I know it will always remain a dream.

Why do you say that?

Just look at me I am short, plump, my vital statistics are all wrong and my skin is so dark. I've tried to lose weight, applied nearly every whitening cream in the world, thought of straightening my nose, chin and lips but it's so expensive. I look at models in fashion magazines and die of misery.

Don't be miserable. Are you crazy, why do you want to torture yourself and go under the knife or apply creams and sweat it out? There is a much easier way to achieve your dreams.

How is that possible?

Instead of going under the knife go with a mouse!


What are you joking or are you crazy?

I'm neither, have you heard of photoshop and computer graphics - CG? The whole world revolves around it. Photographers are practically out of business and nearly extinct. It's these Computer graphic artists and experts who rule the visual world. They can give you anything your heart desires from great hair, face, figure, clothes etc.


So what should I do?

Make friends with a top CG expert. Give him a full length photo of yourself and leave the rest to him and watch those modelling assignments pour in.


What will he do to my photo?

You want to look slim with a perfect 10 figure? He will give you one that Angelina Jolie will envy and hair like Penelope Cruz . Haven't you noticed how international beauties in hair colour ads suddenly have figures that look a perfect 8 with glossy luscious hair?


Wow that is great.

You want long sexy legs like Giselle Bunschen? No problem he will give you an enviable pair that will be worth insuring.


What about my nose and chin?

That's easy. You take your pick from the catalogue he has and your nose and chin will be perkier than that of Tinkerbelle the fairy.


But my skin is so dark.

That's a cakewalk for a good CG expert. Remember what they did in the film Aavatar - blue skins for the cast? You pick your colour - if you like being white as the driven snow, like some beauty queens on fashion glossy covers these days, or a desirable sexy tanned diva that will drive men crazy, then just indicate your preference.


Wow, it all sounds great but all this is in the virtual world what happens when the fashion world sees me in reality?

Darling, nothing is real anymore in this world. Least of all in fashion and media. Everything from ads to news and pictures are sponsored, air brushed, reworked, controlled, deleted, restored, entered and saved. Learn to live in the virtual world and your life will be the best reality you will have.

DESIGN INSPIRATIONS

MEHER CASTELINO | DEC 24 2010  

These days you need a good strong hard hitting inspiration for your collection to make a catwalk impact on the audience and buyers.
Yes, you are so right. All these Turkish, Greek, Roman, Chinese, Japanese, African, Aztec, Mexican, Mughal, Rajput themes have been done to death.

I want something striking and extraordinary for 2011.
What about romantic movies like Love Story or a musical like My Fair Lady as an inspiration.

That has already been done and both didn't click with the buyers. Love Story is so out dated and My Fair Lady, limits one to black, white, bows and stripes.
What about the vintage 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, or 90s? These were decades that had colour?

Nah, who wants to go back in time. Let the past be. It's the future we have to think about.
What about best sellers like Midsummer's Night's Dream or War and Peace. They are themes with great potential.

The first one was done by a top designer but didn't go down well since there were too many elfin clothes which the buyers didn't like and the second one was too depressing.
What about something shocking like torture in the prison or tragedy on the battlefield. That will make the audience sit up.

One top designer did that and had the audience squirming in the seats and the buyers running far away. I heard a journalist went into acute depression after these shows.
Then what sort of inspiration do you want?

I want something topical that the wearer and buyer can connect with. Something from daily life which affects them.
Don't tell me you are thinking of an inspiration like the Meat dress worn by Lady Gaga.

Yes something like that. It was selected by Time magazine as a fashion statement of 2010.
So what are you thinking of?

I've got it - my inspiration will be the humble onion for a dress. It's the most expensive vegetable and may get dearer in 2011.
The onion dress? What a stink it will create!

Not at all. It will be the most expensive dress which will make the wearer cry because of the price tag just like the vegetable, but it will be better than a reversible garment some designers are creating these days. It will go well with the Vegetarians, non-vegetarians and PETA, besides onion pink will be the colour of the next season.
How is that?

Like the onion it will have so many layers. Peal each one off and you get a new garment and look all for the price of one.
Wonder if people will cry or laugh when the wearer reaches the inner most layer!

FAME AND FORTUNE

MEHER CASTELINO | DEC 08 2010  

What is the best fast track to fame and fortune, any suggestions?

Well there are two avenues. One is modelling and the other is through beauty contests.
Can anyone tell me how I can become a model? I'm tall, slim, fair, have lots of attitude and a good walk.

Why don't you try a beauty contest? There are so many and nearly all the winners become models or Bollywood stars.
Which contest do you recommend I should enter? There are so many that it is difficult to choose the right one.

I have heard it all depends on your budget these days.
My budget, what do you mean by that? Do I have to pay to enter a beauty contest?

Of course! What do you think; it is not free nowadays unlike how it was in the past?
You mean I have to send some fee with the contest application form?

No my dear, I mean you will have to pay a very large sum which could run into thousands of rupees to enter for which you or your father may have to take a loan and pay for the rest of your life.
Why so much?

Do you think they will train you and turn you into a perfect beauty specimen for nothing?
I thought it was for the sake of representing the country at foreign contests!

That's a noble thought but it needs money to realize that dream.
What am I paying for?

For the entire education and grooming package, which you would have had at a foreign finishing school, which would have cost your parents a fortune. Your teeth, nose, lips, figure, hair, face and different parts of your body have to be fixed. You will learn everything that the Queen of any country would have learnt.
This is a fortune for me.

In that case you should hang around for auditions at fashion weeks where hundreds apply and at times you need some pull to get selected.
There are only a few good fashion weeks in the country. The others are shaky and unpredictable and get cancelled at the last minute.

Then go to model agencies and distribute your pictures to coordinators and choreographers.
That's quite a gamble too isn't it?

Why don't you enter a reality show?
But I can't sing, dance, swear at people, bitch, and fight, take risks or talk smart.

In that case reality shows are definitely not your cup of tea since you have no talent. What will you do then?
I think the best thing for me will be to hang out at page 3 parties and events and get spotted by a photographer, stylist, or agency talent scout. That's the best short cut to fame and fortune.

SHOWSTOPPER SHOPPING

MEHER CASTELINO | NOV 23 2010  

Finding a good showstopper these days is as difficult as finding a needle in a hay stack.
But there are so many stars, models, socialites dying to walk the ramp at shows and some of them are out of work too.

Yes. but one needs an appropriate showstopper for the theme of the show.
Right, just like you need the right accessories for the clothes.

Abab Arzi that fabulous women's wear designer had a top male star for his high fashion ladies wear show and it was a hit. The star was like a "Krishna among Gopis" said the media who splashed his picture instead of the Abab's clothes.
I see that is quite unconventional and really wonderful to get your showstopper's picture on the front page.

Then Aachie's gourmet inspired collection had India's top chef as a showstopper which was a delicious idea as he gave out his latest book to the audience and one to the designer.
Now that is really smart, promoting collections and publications.

Do you know that sexy swimwear designer got the country's top male wrestler to end the show with bikini clad models draped on his biceps?
Wonderful, that is such a perfect choice. So what's your theme and what kind of celeb are you looking for?

Well I've been inspired by Willie Shakespeare's play so I want someone apt.
Why don't you try the showstopper agencies ?

What's that?
Like you have model, film star, estate agents there are showstopper agents who offer you a variety of choices depending on your budget.

That sounds good, the choice must be vast since everyone wants to make a quick buck these days for a ten second walk down the ramp.
Oh yes, they have authors, criminal lawyers, reformed bandits, TV hosts, ex celeb wives, retired actors, musicians, chefs, presidents, PMs, ministers, authors the list is endless. Even an author who looks good would be a good end to your show.

I was thinking of that, but our authors are so busy promoting themselves why will they promote my show?
Check the list of best selling books and see which author is not there, then you call that one. These days authors will do anything to make sure that book sales soar.

You mean I should take an author who is not selling well?
Yes that is what I said.

That's a good idea I'll do that, maybe the author of a sexology book will be perfect to end my show.
Why do you say that?

The theme of my collection is Shakespeare's Julius Caesar where Caesar's love for Brutus was betrayed, so a sex angle will be perfect.
Ah yes, a little vague but it will do I suppose, as a shocking showstopper!

SIZE CRUNCH

MEHER CASTELINO | NOV 12 2010  

REASON ONE

I am on a strict bitter gourd diet now that the fashion season has started.

Why are you planning to model in the shows?
Yes, of course there are auditions all over the county for so many fashion weeks. I don't want to miss any. Right now I am rushing for the Himalayan Fashion Week auditions where they want skinny models since they will be wrapped up in woollies.

So why do you have to be skinny if you are wrapped up in woollies?
For the finale we have to drop them and we are in itsy bitsy bikinis that's why!

REASON TWO

I am back on my diet regime. The social circuit scene has started with the fashion shows and other festivities so I must look my slimmest best.
What's your diet like?

Oh I live on six channas, four peanuts and two walnuts a day it is called the Desirable Dozen Diet.
Wow, sounds healthy but isn't it too little?

Not at all. I have to get as slim and trim as those models or those fashion police hounds will give me bad press and feature me in the Horror section and I'd rather die of starvation than see my photo there.
How sad your fatty matter is more important than your grey matter.

REASON THREE

I am working out for six hours a day as I want to lose 20 kgs in a month. I let myself go but now I have to sweat myself into shape.
Why what's happening that you have to punish yourself so much?
I'm attending the Dandiya Raas festivities where there is a prize for Miss Dandiya 2011 and I hope to look like one.

REASON FOUR

I am getting into shape for the really big fashion show which is happening for the first time in India. It's by this amazing designer from the Global Forest whose collection resembles foliage.
But why do you have to get into shape? You are a fashion journalist and part of media?

Have you seen where we have to sit in the media section? The space allotted is just 6 inches per person and if you don't fit into that you are not given accreditation.
Really this is news to me!

It's true, when you fill the accreditation form they are now more interested in your hip size than the name of your publication. It's now your hips that do the talking for you, so I'm hoping mine will state that they fit into this space crunch that has started amongst media.
Goodness I have heard of many reasons to lose weight but this one is the craziest one of all.

Well it maybe crazy to you, but when media from top dailies are refused accreditation, the real reason is the shape of their reporters and the way they look and not the way they write.
Really! Is that how the media is invited.

Do you know there are so many journalists who get front row seating as they are reed like in shape even though they have never written a word about the show?
Ah well, with progress in the fashion business there has to be some sacrifices that people have to make.

Oh no, I don't think of it as a sacrifice. It's these fashion weeks that help to keep me in shape and healthy otherwise I would really let myself go.
What a revelation that fashion is not only increasing the country's earnings but keeping the people in shape!

THE RIGHT CONTACTS

MEHER CASTELINO | OCT 28 2010  

For several seasons I have been trying to get into the fashion week shows but I am so unsuccessful. I am really disheartened and sad.
You must have the right contact. Then it is easy.

But I know all the top designers and even the organizers of the fashion weeks and the board members as well as the chair person of the associations.
Well you seem to know the wrong people, they have no say in the matter when it comes to invites for these events.

Then who should I talk to for invitations?
You must make friends with the lower rung in the business like the assistant, peons, drivers, tailors, seamstresses, caterers, restroom attendants, security they will get you in.

Are you crazy! What do they know about fashion weeks and finales?
You'll be surprised. Toby River's driver is the best friend of the driver of the President of the North Fashion Council and he gets to see all the shows while Toby River a top senor designer a board member has to beg for invites for himself.

Really this is great and sad!
Uttir Rumaak's cook is in love with Aachie's maid so both are seen at all the grand finales of these two top traditional revivalists.

My goodness this is fantastic. I seem to have cultivated the wrong people.
That is not enough Timboo Ulchand's driver carries 7 changes of clothes in the car for himself when his boss goes party and pub hopping.

Why, doesn't he have a uniform?
Are you mad, he has to keep up with his boss's image and his boss attends 7 page 3 parties every night where he is photographed by the press so he carries 7 outfits and changes in the car so his driver does the same.

Wow he has to keep up with his boss I suppose.
At one of the finales of the Equator Fashion Week the most influential persons were the security and the washroom attendants.

Really what made them so important?
The washroom attendants smuggled in their family through the workers' entrance and since the head of the security was the son of the attendant all their family and friends and even their boss's families saw the grand finale. Of course you may not get the front row, but once you are in, that can also be managed.

This is fantastic I really need to brush up on my contacts they seem to be completely wrong.
Do you know once the sister of the designer's master cutter got to sit next to the top super star of Bollywood since the designer was scared of losing his master cutter to his rival? I have even heard that drivers remind the designers when their terms on the board of fashion councils expire. Of course now at every stage and every level people are very fashion conscious. When they are working for designers, models, choreographers, organizers and chairmen of the fashion weeks they can't let themselves go. They are seen in all the right places so they have to make a good impression or their bosses will get a bad name.

Just imagine it is the "aam janta" working behind the fashion scene who have all the pull and are literally running the fashion business by remote control.

FASHION CONFUSION

MEHER CASTELINO | OCT 11 2010  

Two decades ago fashion was such a wonderful easy business. There was no competition, no umpteen fashion weeks, no media frenzy and buyer mania and things were truly peaceful.

Yes you are so right fashion has turned from a rag race into a rat race and it is a dog eat dog world.
Earlier when I designed beautiful collections people bought them without questioning me. Now I believe there are different categories and each one has a fashion week for it.

Agreed now you have to get into the right fashion week or you are nowhere.
Tell me again. The other day I applied for a fashion week and they wanted to know what kind of clothes I designed?

So what did you say?
Of course I said I design beautiful clothes which women love to wear. What a silly question to ask me?

Then what happened?
Well, I was told it was a haute couture week which is for high fashion creations for which I didn't qualify since I only made beautiful clothes.

Oh dear then what happened?
So I went to another one but that was for pret-a-porter or as they say in English ready-to-wear clothes only.

And then what happened.
Nothing I did not fit in as I made only beautiful clothes. My next fashion week halt was not the right one either. They said it was for Diffusion wear only, which is supposed to be between haute couture and pret-a-porter.

My goodness this is really sad.
After that I tried another one which I was told was for resort wear, then another one was for festive wear and still another for bridal wear.

So many categories in fashion, wow the business is growing by weeks and weeks
Then to confuse me further, another fashion week said it was for spring, summer, autumn and winter. I was really surprised since our country has more summer and less of spring, autumn or winter so what type of clothes would one wear except beautiful clothes.

Yes you are so right.
But finally when I was asked if my line fell into the Bridge category I lost my temper. What do they think I am a Sea Link designer? I create beautiful feminine clothes for women. These fancy foreign terminologies make no sense to a designer who wants to create great collections and not fall into a classified fashion confusion that will eventually mean nothing to the wearer, as long as the clothes make her look like a million dollars.

THE TRUMPET BLOWER

MEHER CASTELINO | Sept 21 2010  

I am so busy I don't know whether I am coming or going. I have three shows tomorrow in one city, and then next week I go to the Middle East for five shows, then to the Far East where I do a show for celebs. Also seven fashion weeks all over the country. Then there are a dozen shows for next month. I dress ten top screen divas in the coming months. My whole year is full of shows and clients nearly every day.

My goodness you are busier than the top corporate honchos.
Have to be, since people are inviting me and I can't say no or I will be out of circulation.

But what about the collections, how can you make so many so fast?
Oh I don't design at all. I hire trained designers and they do it all. They can make collections over night and very often we juggle around the same garments in different cities. Who will know that?

Wow, you are better than an assembly line factory for consumer goods.
I believe in being in the news everyday of the week.

Yes, I have seen your pictures on Pages 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and even 10 and 11 nearly every day. How do you manage it?
It's my PR which is very strong with all the right media and the photographers who cover the events. I am always good to them.

That is so gracious of you, but doesn't it get a little boring for you to keep posing and smiling at every small insignificant event?
Not at all, that is my job to walk down the ramp, take a bow, make sure I pose with celebs and movie stars and generally be the face of my label while the designers do their jobs.

But won't a little discretion in public appearances help in creating a mystery around you so that people will long to see you instead of getting tired of you?
Listen, this mystery bit I'll leave to those crime writers. I'm a fashion designer and if I'm not in the news I'm out of the picture and business.

Really, is it that bad?
Yes, remember that super talented award winning designer who studied in the USA and was big two decades ago? Now nobody remembers because the designer kept a very low profile.

Oh how sad that such a great talent was wasted because the designer wanted creativity to speak instead of public appearances.
Exactly, now you know why any news is good for me. After all from a nonentity a year ago, I have turned into an authority on fashion and am being wined, dined and treated like royalty wherever I go. Just remember spend lavishly, be in the news daily and blow your own trumpet if you want to succeed or no one will hear about you.

DESIGNER CLIQUES

MEHER CASTELINO | Sept 20 2010 10:46:15 AM 

I am really depressed. I won many awards in my fashion institute but I am unable to break into the fashion business in spite of my creativity and talents.
What do you mean unable to break into the fashion business? Try doing fashion week shows and you can start there.

I did fashion weeks in several cities in the country but was not noticed by the buyers, customers or the media.
How can that be?

Nobody wrote about my collection since I did not have a Bollywood showstopper, I didn't have outlandish creations and I didn't have stage gimmicks.
That's good you wanted your collection to speak for you

Yes, but it didn't speak loud enough because other designers' work was screaming from the rooftops with the garish styling.
Well, in the fashion business you have to shout loudly since there is a big crowd now.

Yes, I have realized that now. One has to be in the right place with the right people to get noticed.
Absolutely correct, since you don't have a god father/mother in the fashion business and nor are you a celeb or an out of work Bollywood star launching a label; you have to pay attention to other important details to make a fashion impact.

True, from now on I will pay 20 percent attention to my collections and 80 percent importance to all these factors.
Start by making a list of all the avenues needed to make an impact like good PR with everybody, attending the right Page 3 events, talking about your life and how from a nuclear scientist you moved to fashion since it was your calling.

But I was never a nuclear scientist I was a clerk in an office!
Yes, yes but a scientist sounds better than a clerk. You have to give the right image to your past so that your present is in the news and your future is made.

I will do that immediately and there is one more vital point I must remember, if I want to make it in this rag race where the traffic jam is growing by the day.
What is that?

I must get into the right designer cliques in the right city in the country, because these fashion circles are very close knit and breaking into them is more difficult than a fashion institute entrance test but once in; I am made for life whether I have a fashion degree or not. These designer cliques will make sure that I am in the news since each one helps the other - it's like you 'scratch my back I scratch yours'. I am made when a senior keeps promoting and pushing me into the limelight.

BILLIONAIRE PIRATE

MEHER CASTELINO | Sept 8 2010 10:46:15 AM 

Wow, you look really prosperous what happened? Did you win a lottery that you are driving a BMW? And that Rolex watch, Brioni suit and Vertu mobile my goodness you look like a billionaire.
Nothing like that I have hit on the easiest way to get rich without much effort or hassle because everyone else does the work while I collect the moolah.

Really what is it? The last time we met you were jobless, down and out and that is expected since you are a school dropout so what caused the miracle?
You will never believe what I have discovered which has made me rich!

Please tell what was it?
I visit all the fashion weeks around the world and make friends with all the fashion photographers who attend them.

So that makes you rich?
No, no, I then make a deal with them.

A deal with photographers and that makes you rich?
Be patient, I will tell you. I then pay them for full sets of all the photos taken at fashion weeks and shows of top designers.

But you are spending money so how does that make you a billionaire?
You are so impatient! Then I have contacts all over the world where designers and customers love global fashion.

So, it still doesn't make sense!
There is a big market for fashion all over the world but most people abroad can't afford the high prices they have to pay for haute couture creations so I help them to dress in their favourite designer's clothes wherever they are in the world.

You help to dress them in their favourite designer clothes! How is that possible do you manufacture similar garments?
No, that is too tiresome and time consuming. I have an easier system. I sell the full set of the photos of designers' collection that I have from the fashion weeks which I have got from my contacts; to the small unknown designers around the world for really large amounts of money. They in turn copy and mass produce the designs and put them in their stores in different parts of the globe at half the price that is charged by global designers and they make money.

Oh so that is how you got rich so fast and so easily?
Yes, isn't that simple? I am happy and they are happy and everybody is dressed in the top designs.

Amazing, you can truly be called a billionaire fashion pirate who has found the fast and flawless way to success.
I have to thank the designers and photographers around the world for my good life.

FASHION ROUNDABOUT

MEHER CASTELINO | Aug 23 2010 10:46:15 AM 

Why are you looking so sad, anything wrong?
Who wouldn't be sad I wanted to participate in my first fashion week in the North Pole and they rejected me.

Really, I am surprised but you are one of the bright young stars of the industry and studied at the top British fashion school. Which category did you want to participate in?
I wanted to show my collection in the Young Stars segment but they said I was not young any more in the industry since I have been in business for six months already.

Oh that is sad. But then you should have tried the other level which is for fashionable belts, bags and blouses.
I did try there too, but in that segment you have to be established in the fashion industry for two years so I am not old enough for it.

Oh dear, that makes you neither here nor there. It's like being a teenager who is not young enough to be called a kid or old enough to be an adult. So what will you do? Why don't you just exhibit at the event?
They refused me for that too. I'm in limbo as far as my fashion career is concerned. I feel so disoriented.

Tell me who rejected you in these categories?
Oh it was the high powered selection committee that decides. Do you know who is on the committee?

I think they have some heavy weight fashion glossy editors, buyers and designers. Maybe that explains your rejection.
Why do you say that?

Well, do you know any of the editors, buyers and designers on the committee?
No, I do my work and that's it

Do you attend page 3 parties and are a known face on the social and party circuit?
No, not at all!

Do you try and link up with the media, movie stars, celebs and fellow designers?
Never, I am only interested in my work.

Then how do you expect people to know you. This business is a fashion roundabout which goes in circles like a merry-go-round. You have to be part of the inner circle. The circle starts with going to parties, appearing on page 3, meeting movie stars, being sweet to society ladies, celebs, media, other designers, buyers, and finally ends with making a splash on the ramp. Your technical knowledge is of least importance at this stage.
Oh dear why did I waste valuable money and time studying at a foreign fashion institute. I should have learnt to take a ride on this fashion carousel first and then worried about being technically qualified. Then maybe I would have got selected for even the Grand Finale of the North Pole Fashion Week as soon as I landed from abroad!

Now you are really learning how to ride the dizzying fashion merry-go-round.